Topic: Teens and Grief

By Tom Rollis, Masters in Community Counseling Licensed Professional Counselor Life Counseling Network, an outreach of Lutheran Social Services of the Southwest

If you have a grieving teen in your life, it is helpful to remember that many of the typical physical, emotional, and psychological reactions to grief and loss are common to adults and teens alike:

We respond to loss physically.
We can experience neck or back pain, muscle aches, headaches, digestive distress, light-headedness, appetite loss, fatigue, oversleeping or sleeplessness, general restlessness.

We respond to loss emotionally.
We can feel sadness, anxiety, experience crying, general disbelief, or have vivid dreams. We can be angry, withdrawn. Sometimes guilt or shame can accompany us for part of the journey.

We respond to loss psychologically.
We can experience denial, adopting an “I’m O.K.” stance.
We can have difficulty making even seemingly simple decisions.
Short-term memory may take a vacation.
We may become clumsy and more accident-prone.
We can get ‘stuck’ on a particular thought, feeling, or memory connected to the loss.
We may be depressed as we recount an old memory one moment, and anxious about a real or imagined future event the next.
We may be self-absorbed or apathetic, lethargic or on the go-go-go, busying ourselves to the point of exhaustion.
We may be confused, unsure, or insecure.

We respond to loss spiritually.
“Who am I? Why am I here? How could this happen? Is there a Heaven? Where is the loved one now? Where was God and where is God now?”

These are some of the questions that can arise during the grieving process, and some of the simpler answers we provided to our kids during their childhoods don’t go over so well this time around.

Some significant issues about grieving teens
The teen years are emotionally turbulent times. Our teens are in that seemingly ‘no-man’s land,’ between childhood and adulthood. Sometimes teens feel like they just don’t fit. One minute they want a hug or cuddle and the next they don’t even want to be seen with us. A death, or any other type of loss for that matter, can intensify that ‘misfit’ perception. Even adults, sometimes suffer from uncertainty as well.

Teens are searching for possible answers to the question, “Who am I?” apart from being someone’s son or daughter. In the aftermath of a death in the family, the rules and roles of surviving family members can be re-worked, reassigned, and renegotiated—all at a time when each person is precisely the least able to do so.

Oftentimes teens are pigeon-holed into the ‘I really need you to act like a grown-up now’ box, whereby the teen ‘steps up’ to help parent younger siblings. This event can stop the normal back-and-forth movement that a healthy teen makes between childhood and adulthood.

Resentment for having a role thrust upon him or her can foster a further sense of disenfranchisement. A teen can end up feeling that his or her thoughts and feelings are invalid. This is not particularly helpful in the already fragile self esteem department.

Teens are generally very good at reading the stress that other family members are under. If they feel a parent or care giver is overwhelmed, they may choose to keep their grief issues to themselves until they feel safe and that the parent can ‘handle their stuff.’ In fact, it is quite common for teens to ‘act out’ when someone dies. Acting out becomes either a distraction or a pressure release-valve when family stress levels get too high.

[To read more on this, Google ‘family systems therapy, triangulation and homeostasis.]

Where are the supporters?
Oftentimes adults in the family make the mistake of assuming that the teen has their own set of ‘friends’ to lean on. However, let’s face it, we live in a death-denying culture. It is not something we enjoy talking about.

Grownups are often uncertain what to say or how to support a grieving friend. So often friends ask, “How we are doing?” hoping we will say, “Fine,” or “Well, I’m doing O.K.” Then they can feel good about showing concern, but relieved they didn’t have to do any heavy listening. It can be the same with teen peers.

Many don’t want to be around the grieving teen. They can feel powerless to help their friend and don’t want the teen to bring them down. In the midst of a flood of thoughts and feelings, the grieving teen may discover that the friends she thought would be there for her only want her around if she is not gong to talk about the death. Here comes a new sense of ‘gone’—secondary loss of or reduced quality of relationships with friends. Other teens report feeling very well supported by their peers. Many tell me that their friends ‘get them’ without having to do a lot of talking.

How to tell if a teen may need professional help:
• Denial of pain that becomes too strong
• Increase in high-risk behaviors (drug/alcohol use, fighting or acting out sexually)
• Changes in relationships with friends or other family members
• Falling grades in school
• Apathy/indifference

Please note though, all of the above signs, symptoms, or experiences could be considered ‘normal’ grief responses. The real test has to do with intensity, duration, and quality of life. If something is so strong, so long, or so debilitating, it is probably a good idea to check things out with a mental health professional.

Your teen may experience difficulties down the road, which may even seem separate, or non grief-related. Most times, it is far from easy for us to recognize the link. Not surprisingly, unresolved grief and loss is a common root cause of many of our ‘unrelated’ problems.

On that note, a lot of good can come from making a family visit to a counselor who specializes in grief work. Even if there are no glaring or obvious problems, it can be very reassuring to all to know that what they are experiencing is ‘normal,’ that grief is a process. A counselor may help you discover additional coping skills, rites and rituals for your journey. Pain is not something always to be avoided. There can be no love without loss. Recovery from loss is a process, not a destination. There is no one ‘right’ way to grieve. There is no time limit on the process (even if society insists there is). Everyone experiences loss differently, but no one has to experience it alone. Grief work is intense, and can become an opportunity to identify and address other personal and family issues.

Resources:

www.centeringcorp.org
The Centering Corporation has over 200 grief-related resources for every member of the family. Their toll free number is: 1-800-218-0101

You are Not Alone,
by Lynne Hughes: This is a book full of readings from real-life teens who talk about how they experienced grief—a great discussion starter for some parent-teen caring conversation.

When Nothing Matters,
by Bev Cobain: Great for parents and teachers who want to learn more about teen depression.

Fire in My Heart, Ice in My Veins: a Journal for Teenagers, by Enid Traisman.

www.fireinmyheart.com “Teens can write, copy down meaningful lyrics, write songs and poems, tell the person who died what they want them to know, finish business and use their creativity to work through the grieving process.” Want to know more about your teen son/daughter? Listen to their music. Music is one of their strongest forms of expression and common experience. It’s all right there, under your ear! Check out www.lyrics.com if you can’t understand them by playing their actual music. Talking with your teen about his/her music breaks down walls.

Facing Change, by Donna O’Toole: This resource has over 75 things you can do when facing death of a loved one, abuse, divorce, and more.

Healing your Grieving Heart for Teens, by Alan Wolfelt: This is a great resource, written by one of the experts on grief. It has a really user-friendly format.